It got me to thinking about a tiresome meeting I was sitting through, the speaker was dredging my mind of all its coherence and I was gently drifting off to sleep when a woman opposite me suddenly made a peculiar noise – “Muh!” Everyone stopped listening to the balding gentleman talking about fire hazards and focused all their attention on the poor woman and her peculiar outburst. A hundred heads turned and peered over their shoulders, eyebrows raised, wry grins upon mouths. The speaker at the front of the room with his a-board flip chart and marker pen in hand tiptoed like a meerkat with a gentle lean to the left to get a look at the commotion. She looked horrified, her face became red with embarrassment, her hand clasped over her mouth as she stood and ran towards the door knocking folders and ledgers from people’s laps leaving a trail of paper debris in her wake. She was like a one woman tidal wave smashing through chairs and legs, shoes were lost, people toppled backwards into each other and dominoed backwards into the people sitting behind them. It was a cavernous room with old wooden walls and a high ceiling which made the noise of the escape echo off the condensation smeared windows where drops of water raced each other to the sills. It took what seemed like a good wholesome minute for her to reach the door and burst through punching at the metal bars beneath the green exit man running for his own impossible freedom. I could do nothing but chuckle, which in itself became a laugh, turning sharply into a deep guttural belly laugh. I laughed so hard I fell off my chair into the back of an obese woman smelling of lavender in front of me. Her bag of wine gums fell to the ground as she was shoved forward from the force of my laughter. Her fat jiggling neck plastered up against a middle aged man in a cheap suit secretly doing a Sudoku puzzle on his knees in a folded newspaper. He turned with a scowl, a look on his face of utter disgust as he noticed the layers of fat rolling up on his shoulder from under her jaw. This made me laugh even harder, I couldn’t help but point at the two squashed together like silly putty trying with futility to release themselves from each other, the weight of the fat woman weighing too heavy on his back, slowly easing him forward into the person in front of him. He tried like a man attempting to stop the inevitability of falling over a cliff edge, knees lifted up as he pushed backwards into her weight to stop her. I was lying in between the metal legs of chairs entwined like ribbon, legs sticking out in every direction possible, still laughing so hard I was now holding my stomach from the pain as tears streamed down my cheeks.
“What the hell is so god damned funny?!” The fat woman had broken her embrace from the guy in front of her and was now leaning over me screaming into my face. Her neck jiggled like a rooster when she shouted, it was too much – she started me off again. All I could see was a giant angry rooster looming over me crowing at me. She became infuriated, rage steamed from her every orifice, she was shaking with such fury that one of her fat pancake breasts flopped out from beneath her flowery blouse and began swinging like a pendulum beneath her, the one fat nipple hanging off the end like a chewed cigar butt. I was now close to suffering a hernia I was laughing so violently, the veins in my forehead felt like they would burst and still she spat her titty-swinging fury at me, the one loose flattened boob threatening me with its dirty bud hanging between the chair backs. I managed to squeal out a sentace.
“Madam, one of your breasts has escaped.” The sentence was followed with another outburst of furious laughter as I couldn’t quite believe what I was having to say. She looked down to see the flapping culprit and she too turned and ran for the door, this time the devastation was far worse than the woman who had scarpered before. She shoved and barged her way through the onlookers with violent force. People were thrown from their chairs as the behemoth smashed her way through the crowd. One person ran, which caused a chain reaction of panic. Someone was trampled on, her enormous weight cracking a wrist bone as she stomped over everyone as fast as she could. Suits and ties and fancy shoes were fleeing in every direction, it was like an angry rhinoceros had been let loose and was hell-bent on causing fatalities. A path was cleared and she was able to make it to the door but she crashed into it with such vigour one of the hinges broke loose and the door crashed to the ground sending glass splinters flying into the air, raining razor sharp fragments on the panic-stricken masses.
I was still on the floor trying to gain my composure when the speaker appeared next to me, “Are you alright down there?”
“Yeah mate, just fine, you alright?”