Feeling constantly haggard and smashed to pieces is how I feel. Metal festivals have a way of tearing through your chest and palpitating your heart with an iron fist. I feel fucked. Non stop binge drinking, moshing, jumping about like a complete fucking idiot and shouting in the faces of complete strangers with your devil horns saluting the sky as your heroes shred your favourite songs under blackened clouds while the rain drenches you to the core. Your feet slip in mud saturated with piss from eighty thousand angry rockers all pissing vinegar into the overflowing port-a-loos while the freaks and weirdoes get their funky metal groove on and beat the shit out of each other – and all in the name of a good fucking time! Metal festivals are the epitome of like-minded and misguided souls coming together in one barricaded field where megalithic speaker stacks shout at the sky, pointing their blackened fingers at the gods and daring them to intervene, for here Satan rules, the devil fuels the hearts of all the fucked up kids and pours joyous sin into their hearts. They come together, drink obscene amounts of alcohol, take fist sized amounts of narcotics, eat tons of shit food and then pollute the land with their excreted wastes. It is pure, controlled and policed carnage, anarchy reigns, and no one gets hurt unless they are stupid enough to wander into the wrong mosh-pit without the prior knowledge of how shit is gonna go down. For instance, you don’t fuck about when Max Cavalera is on stage, you either get into the heart of the pit and wait for the pain, or stand well back and enjoy it from a distance. This doesn’t mean you’re a pussy, hell no, it just means you’ve been rocking to the insane Brazilian wookee for so long that you feel it’s now the turn of the younger vagrants to get in there and fight those unwinnable battles for themselves, for these crowds are at fucking war with one another, make no mistake about it, and if you don’t go into battle with the right amount of beer flowing through your veins you’re going to get hurt. Give as good as you get, don’t get mad and enjoy the hurt, enjoy it like pussies at indie festivals enjoy watching beige-ass bands like fucking coldplay while doped up hippies give them reiki head massages.